Things to note: I've read a lot of articles and blog posts from nurses and parents complaining about birth plans. Calling them unreasonable and ridiculous. Because of this I decided to forgo the usual birth plan list and aim for something a little more entertaining. Make it so that the nurses and doctors WANT to read it, get a little giggle, and hopefully remember a few key points. At the very least, I'm hoping they say it's the most memorable birth plan they've been given in a while. Many of these things on here are personal (such as Baptizing my baby in case of emergency) other things are a little more traditional (like not want an epidural unless asked for). For most, I attempt to stay flexible, stating my desires and that they be followed as long as the baby and I are healthy and happy.
Yes, it's a bit tongue in cheek. Don't worry, I take this seriously. I'm just trying to find a way to make my birth plan memorable and, hopefully, have it be followed, while also giving the nurses something other than a dry, found-online birth plan, which they probably get a dozen times a day. Suggestions welcome!
Hello Nurses, Doctors, and Other Staff,
I first want to start by saying that I know sometimes Birth Plans can be a little... unreasonable. You will quickly find that I have a tendency to use weird humor in order to get my way, this being no different. :) I know you have tough jobs to do and a lot of experience with what's probably about to happen to me, and I have none. I am well aware that you know more than I do about birth and I do appreciate your opinions and suggestions. Please understand, though, that this is my vagina we are dealing with here. I rather like my vagina so I've thought about a few things to make it happier and healthier in the end. Wait, did I say vagina? I meant baby. Yeah... baby...
I know my humor isn’t for everyone and sometimes I drive people crazy. Should I have time before coming here I planned to bring cupcakes in hopes that you might like me a little more. Come grab one.
Third, what I have listed below is my birth plan, but it’s really more of a birth wishlist. I hope my list doesn't make your jobs anymore difficult than they need to be. If they do, I apologize. Thank you for reading and working with me! I traveled from California in order to have my baby around my family and loved ones and to be at this hospital. It means alot to me to be here!
Normal Labor and Deliver:
- As much as possible I'd love for this to be an intervention-free, med-free, hands-off affair. If it could be an episode of Scrubs where everyone is unreasonably attractive for working so hard and such long hours and I have the baby in under 30 minutes with only pushing once or twice without even an IV hooked up, that would be awesome. But I get that it's not realistic. Although, if you'd like for it to be like that musical episode of Scrubs my Dad would probably be more than happy to arrange a song and dance number. He's a tenor. But, should that not be possible...
- While laboring I would like to have my husband as well as my mom, sister-in-law, and doula present for as much of the labor and delivery as they are comfortable with. They can be present in the room during exams should they choose to be.
- I would prefer minimal vaginal exams during my labor.
- If it's possible to not have an IV I'd really like that. If an IV is required I'd prefer a heplock.
- I would like to be monitored intermittently to allow for movement as long as everything is looking good.
- For as long as humanly possible I'd like to remain out of a bed if I choose to. This means walking around, being on a ball, in the shower/tub, or in a chair.
- Please don't ask me if I'm in pain. I probably am. But even if you think I'm in pain, don't ask me if I'm in pain. It just makes me realize I'm in pain. I don't want to realize I'm in pain. It's a mind thing.
- Please do not ask me if I would like any pain medications, including an epidural. I am aware that they are available to me and will ask if I want one. I am also aware at what point it will be too late to get and that such a point exists. I still do not want to be asked. If you feel you must say something please bring it up to my mom or doula out of earshot from me. Thank you!
- If you need to give me a medication for any reason I'd like to know what it is and why I am being given it.
- Unless I have asked for an epidural and can no longer feel the pushing urges I would prefer to let my body tell me when to push and for how long.
- As long as the baby and I are healthy, I would prefer to have no time limits on pushing.
- Unless it is a medical emergency I would like to not have an episiotomy and would rather tear naturally.
- I would like my husband to be the first to see the sex of the baby and to be the one to announce it.
- I would like my husband to be the first to see the sex of the baby and to be the one to announce it. (On here twice for a reason. It's kind of important to me in a lame, silly way.)
- I would like to have the baby placed directly on my chest for immediate skin-to-skin contact.
- Please allow the cord to stay connected until it has stopped pulsing or 3-5 minutes, unless there is a medical emergency that requires it to be cut immediately.
- Please allow the placenta to be delivered spontaneously without the use of Pitocin unless medically necessary.
- Unless there is an emergency to prevent this, I would prefer that my baby and I not be separated for at least an hour and after breast feeding has been initiated. I will let you know when I'm ready to be separated.
- Please do not administer eye drops to my baby. We may change our minds on whether we ultimately do this, but we will discuss that later.
- Unless medically necessary I would like the Vitamin K injection to be done after the bonding period.
- Due to a family history of interactions please do not administer any vaccinations to my baby. These will be done under the close watch of our doctor at a later time.
- Please do not bathe my baby. We would like to be the ones to bathe him/her or at least help out with this.
- My baby is to be exclusively breast fed. Please do not offer formula, pacifier, or a bottle. I would like to speak with a lactation consultant/nurse if there are problems with breast feeding, if available.
- I would prefer to be released as soon as the baby and I are checked and deemed safe to leave the hospital. We are staying at a hotel near the hospital so if anything happens after release we can easily return.
- I would prefer that the baby stay with me in the room during our entire stay.
- Guests can come and go all they want. When I fall asleep very little wakes me up so don’t worry about me unless I start yelling at people. I’m a loud yeller.
Should There Be an Emergency:
- In the event of an emergency I understand that I may need a c-section in order for my baby to be healthy. I would, however, like to exhaust all possible solutions first, even if they go against the rest of my birth plan. Seriously, I fear c-sections. I fear operating rooms in general. They're just so... blue.
- Look at it this way: If you give me a c-section, you're stuck with me for several more days. Think about it. Let it sink in. OK, now are you SURE I need a c-section? If it's still necessary...
- My husband is to be with me during the delivery and then remain with our baby during my recovery. If it is possible for my mother or sister-in-law to be with me during closing and recovery I would like that.
- I would like to have contact with my baby, as much as possible, as soon as possible after the birth. It is especially important for me to breastfeed ASAP.
- I will probably makes a lot of weird, random, sarcastic comments if you allow my to stay awake through this. I do apologize for this. It's what I do when I'm nervous or scared. And when I'm excited. And happy. And sleeping.
- If my baby needs to be transported to another hospital/facility and it is a life or death situation you have my permission to do this transfer immediately and as quickly as possible using any means available.
- If possible I would like to be transported behind him/her.
- I would like the opportunity to pump breast milk for my baby if immediate breastfeeding is not an option, or to use donated breast milk until I can do that, if available.
In a Life or Death Sitaution:
1.We are Catholic. Please call a Priest. I would like my baby to be Baptized immediately.
Gee now, wasn't that fun? Thank you again for all of your hard work and for putting up with me. I really do appreciate it! And don’t forget about those cupcakes!