Monday, December 31, 2012

Where It All Began | My BFP Story

It's interesting that I am making this post now. For years I dreamed of the day I would get that positive on a pregnancy test and celebrate by writing my BFP ("Big Fat Positive", as in positive pregnancy tests if you don't know the lingo) story for my blog readers. I'd even fantasize about what I would say and how I'd announce my pregnancy to the world. But all of that went away in 2010 when I left my ex husband and stopped trying.

Even after saying "I Do" in February to C I still didn't bring back those dreams. We weren't in a place financially to have a baby, and with C and I both back in school it just wasn't the right time. I was on the pill until July when it started making me really sick. Around 6PM each night I would get nauseous and have to lie down, which wasn't fun since I was working at camp and that is not a good time to be getting sick. After dry heaving into a puke bowl in the nurse's station for the umpteenth time the nurse suggested that I go off the pill, that it was likely what was making me sick. So I did.

I told C that I had been in charge of birth control up until that point, he could take over for a few months until I could get to my doctor to re-evaluate my options. Again, that was in July. We used condoms and spermicide. On top of that, I have known fertility issues and had been told in 2009 that I'd need at least one more surgery on top of the one I already had to have a chance of getting pregnant. But since I am well aware of how wrong doctors can be (and am missing a big chunk of my right arm because of a doctor screw up) I decided to play it safe. Well, even with us being safe and using precautions, and my fertility issues, one little swimmer and one little egg managed to get together at just the right time. I will spare you the details on exactly how that happened. :)

 Instead, I'll pick up from the week before I got my BFP. Both C and I had the flu. Not the stomach flu, the actual flu virus. With coughing, sneezing, fluid in our lungs, fevers, night sweats, etc. It was fun. Only thing that was different with me is I would wake up and feel like I had to throw up. I had C's mom even bring us over some Ginger Ale one day (which helped, btw). Still, since we were being careful I didn't think anything of it and just attributed it to the flu.

This was over Thanksgiving break. A week later I was talking with some classmates about life and I said (and this is a direct quote) "two years ago I would have done anything to have a baby, but now I feel like I'm just too selfish and want more "me" time before I have a baby." That night I went home and got to thinking about pregnancy. It was then that I realized that my period had not arrived yet. I'd been having cramps that felt like period cramps for a couple of weeks and wearing my "period undies", but still I just didn't connect the dots. That night I looked at a calendar and tried to remember when I'd last had a period. I'm not recording it or anything, so I didn't have it written down anywhere. I eventually remembered having my period at a hotel room I stayed at mid-October and realized then that my period was over 10 days later, if not more.

It was 7PM but I figured I had last gone to the bathroom long enough ago that I could take a test. I had a bunch of those simple cardboard test strips left over from when I was trying a few years ago, so I pulled those out and took one. Sometimes these tests can get pinched and not allow the urine to travel up to the test part, so I always watch it to make sure. As I was watching it I saw the first line appear. I went to set it behind me to wait the five minutes and thought "OK, good, at least the control line is working so I know the test is good!" That's when it hit me. The TEST line is the first line. The control line is the second. With the test still in my right hand I picked up the package with my left and looked. Sure enough, that was the test line I was seeing. I started at the package for another minute in shock before I moved the test into my eye site. Clear as day- two VERY dark lines.  

What happened next I really can't explain. Perhaps it was the conversation and feelings about pregnancy I'd been having lately, maybe it was the shock, maybe it was denial? But I bawled. Hysterically. For about five minutes while sitting on the toilet. And not a happy bawl either. I was absolutely, without a doubt, devastated.

My husband was in the next room with our roommates and his dad studying and I didn't want to say anything in front of them. So I called him into our room, dragged him into the bathroom, and just showed him the test. He looked from it to me and asked "does this mean what I think it means?" I cried, again, and told him I was pregnant. He then did the most amazing thing a husband/father can do for a distraught wife/mother. He put his arms around me and told me how happy he was. Then he asked why I'd been crying. When I asked him if he was worried that we didn't have much savings, had bills to pay, school books to buy, etc. he just said "no, it'll work out." That was all I needed. That was the last tear I shed for sadness.

I then went through about an hour of freaking out because, despite years of research into fertility and conception, I had no clue what I was supposed to do when the BFP showed up! Do you call a doctor right away? Wait? How do you choose who to call? Luckily, C had me covered there, too. He knew of a clinic on campus that not only did tests, but ultrasounds, too for free for student. We called and made an appointment that next day where we got the pregnancy confirmed.  A week later we had the ultrasound and confirmed that I had a little baby with a healthy heartbeat in me. It was amazing.

So, not at all how I dreamed getting my BFP would go. Not how I imagined I'd react. But I guess that just goes to show that life can be crazy sometimes, and likes to give you exactly what you want when you least expect it. We still have no clue how this happened. We can't recall a time when a condom broke or we didn't use one around that time. And the doctor confirmed that my fertility issues were still very present and couldn't explain how I had managed to release a healthy egg to be fertilized. I firmly believe I have God to thank and he made this all happen for are reason. And for that, I am grateful.

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